Thursday, May 5, 2011


(a.k.a. "VITRIOL" - don't say I didn't warn you!)

I'm probably already sorry I asked, you idiot!

     Is it OK to hate everything?  I mean, will it screw up my Karma or something? 
     Yeah, yeah, I know...

     Being only human has it's drawbacks.  Even though some others insist on seeing me as such, Superwoman I am not.  Actually, I was Superwoman once, or a very convincing facsimile.  Now it's purely an aggravation to be viewed as a person who can accomplish anything and everything, and all alone to boot.  ARRRGGGHHHH!
     Here's the deal - because I remain somewhat competent, in spite of being disabled, I am called upon to help every human being I come into contact with.  It never fails to amaze me that I am more capable while handicapped than "normal" people are.  And it makes me angry, very, very angry.  And there is no outlet for this anger. 

     Day after endless day, I live in physical pain; pain that is sometimes so bad that it becomes impossible to do even the simplest tasks.  You ever been in pain for so long that you've forgotten what no pain feels like?  No?  When all you want is just to be able to sleep, but no sleep is possible because of pain?  I'm talking about days, sometimes weeks on end?  No?  What about continuous pain and lack of sleep that turns your brain into useless mush, aware only of pain?  No?  Can you drive to the store?  Can you wash the dishes?  Can you sit down?  Stand up?  Bathe?  Pee? 
     If the answer is yes, then go to hell.

     Yeah, yeah, I know... that's totally unreasonable!  It is not your fault that you have a functioning body and mind!  And it's not your fault that I don't, for God's sake, how can I be so bitter and unreasonable??
     Let me tell you.
     It takes years to get this way, and the reason is not pain and sleeplessness, brain mush, or dirty dishes.  It's disappointment.  Which, as years pass and nothing gets better but gets worse instead, causes a bitterness inside that I spend way too much energy suppressing so I won't hurt YOU.  And all the while, you, actively or passively, are hurting me.  "But, but... how can that be so?, you say.  I'm not doing anything to hurt you!  What are you talking about?"
     Ignorance is bliss, so the wise men say.  And that's when many of you turn away.  Having been unjustly accused, you shake the dust from your sandals and leave.  Go on with you then - get out of my face.  Go to your bliss while I suffer at your ignorance.
     Let me add one little item of note before I finish.  Note:  These are the very people that I have helped, oftentimes immensely, from the time before I became disabled right up to and including yesterday.  Befriended, defended, gave money to, housed, clothed, fed, rescued, saved from trouble, terror or ruin... and because I remain somewhat competent, and am not ignorant, I have no bliss?  Go figure.  Then just go away.

     Yeah, yeah, I know.  But is it OK to hate everything? Is it?  PLEASE?  I promise I won't tell anybody.