"WAITING FOR KARMA"

(a.k.a. "VITRIOL" - don't say I didn't warn you!)

I'm probably already sorry I asked, you idiot!

     Is it OK to hate everything?  I mean, will it screw up my Karma or something? 
     Yeah, yeah, I know...

     Being only human has it's drawbacks.  Even though some others insist on seeing me as such, Superwoman I am not.  Actually, I was Superwoman once, or a very convincing facsimile.  Now it's purely an aggravation to be viewed as a person who can accomplish anything and everything, and all alone to boot.  ARRRGGGHHHH!
     Here's the deal - because I remain somewhat competent, in spite of being disabled, I am called upon to help every human being I come into contact with.  It never fails to amaze me that I am more capable while handicapped than "normal" people are.  And it makes me angry, very, very angry.  And there is no outlet for this anger. 
     Day after endless day, I live in physical pain; pain that is sometimes so bad that it becomes impossible to do even the simplest tasks.  You ever been in pain for so long that you've forgotten what no pain feels like?  No?  When all you want is just to be able to sleep, but no sleep is possible because of pain?  I'm talking about days, sometimes weeks on end?  No?  What about continuous pain and lack of sleep that turns your brain into useless mush, aware only of pain?  No?  Can you drive to the store?  Can you wash the dishes?  Can you sit down?  Stand up?  Bathe?  Pee? 
     If the answer is yes, then go to hell.
 
     Yeah, yeah, I know... that's totally unreasonable!  It is not your fault that you have a functioning body and mind!  And it's not your fault that I don't, for God's sake, how can I be so bitter and unreasonable??
     Let me tell you.
     It takes years to get this way, and the reason is not pain and sleeplessness, brain mush, or dirty dishes.  It's disappointment.  Which, as years pass and nothing gets better but gets worse instead, causes a bitterness inside that I spend way too much energy suppressing so I won't hurt YOU.  And all the while, you, actively or passively, are hurting me.  "But, but... how can that be so?, you say.  I'm not doing anything to hurt you!  What are you talking about?"
     Ignorance is bliss, so the wise men say.  And that's when many of you turn away.  Having been unjustly accused, you shake the dust from your sandals and leave.  Go on with you then - get out of my face.  Go to your bliss while I suffer at your ignorance.
 
     Let me add one little item of note before I finish.  Note:  These are the very people that I have helped, oftentimes immensely, from the time before I became disabled right up to and including yesterday.  Befriended, defended, gave money to, housed, clothed, fed, rescued, saved from trouble, terror or ruin... and because I remain somewhat competent, and am not ignorant, I have no bliss?  Go figure.  Then just go away.

     Yeah, yeah, I know.  But is it OK to hate everything? Is it?  PLEASE?  I promise I won't tell anybody.

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"PAR-FOR-THE-COURSE"

Somtimes it helps to rave.
 ...Don't mind me... no-one else did!


The cat's on the counter drinking my smoothie,
Right from the glass, no less.
There's nothing so odd about seeing it happen;
It's par-for-the-course when you live in a mess.

Ah, the believer
I used to be...
What the hell happened
to her that was me?

For all of my effort it's still a bother -
So ineffective, I.
There's nothing so odd about seeing it happen;
It's par-for-the-course but it still makes me cry.

Ah, the achiever
I used to be...
What the hell happened
to her that was me?

                      ~:~:~
...Just what was the matter when I expected
Someone to share the grief?
I thought my "friends" would return my favors...
Being alone is my only relief.
                      ~:~:~

So much for being a selfless giver -
Backfired right up my a**.
There's nothing so odd about seeing it happen;
It's par-for-the-course if your "friends" are that crass...
It's par for the course when your friends have no class.
                          
...Just what was the matter when I expected
Someone to share the grief?
I thought my "friends" would return my favors...
Being alone is my only relief.
                     
Ah, the believer
I used to be...
What the hell happened
to her that was me?
             


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"THE SILENCE OF FOOLS"

       Sometimes the craving for silence is overwhelming; without it my mind and body get wound up tighter and tighter until one or both of them is bound to snap and fly apart, shredding like shrapnel.  Today though, I have to avoid silence.  I need to make some noise, get some things done - and drown out the rising wail of pain. 
       Fifteen out of the last twenty days have been painful enough to limit my mobility, and limited mobility makes such a mess!  I try to at least keep the livingroom straighted up so that I have somewhere to rest my eyes that isn't in chaos.  I gave up on the bedroom months ago - my eyes are closed when I'm in there anyway.  And it's not as if I have visitors, eh?  In fact, that has become part of the problem.
       The visitors that I crave as much as silence are the helpers.  You know, the ones who come in on a regular basis and help me manage my disability?  Oh wait.  Yeah,  about that...
       I'm just one person, you know?  One little person in the nearly infinite sea of persons who need help somehow.  And my 'somehow' looks pretty insignificant compaired to the floods in Australia and the earthquake in Haiti.  Reality check?  Yes, and no. 
       If I knew that the people who could help me take care of myself and my home were giving their money or their time to help those in such horrible need, I would never begrudge them the time they don't have for me.  But they're not.  That doesn't make them bad; in fact, I'm sure that everyone I know does something nice to help someone else every day.  When it's convenient.  When it's comfortable.  Or when it's tax deductable.  I am none of those things.
       Quite the opposite in fact - I am uncomfortable twenty-four hours a day and it's damned inconvenient to be in too much pain to take care of things I used to take for granted!  And I'm certainly no-one's tax deduction!  No, instead I am alone alone alone for days at a time, and if I writhe in pain and the mess it makes, who's to know?  If "a word, to the wise, is sufficient", then I must be looking out to a horizon of utter fools.
       So I need to make some noise, get some things done... the silence of fools is more than enough silence for today.

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