Sometimes the craving for silence is overwhelming; without it my mind and body get wound up tighter and tighter until one or both of them is bound to snap and fly apart, shredding like shrapnel. Today though, I have to avoid silence. I need to make some noise, get some things done - and drown out the rising wail of pain.
Fifteen out of the last twenty days have been painful enough to limit my mobility, and limited mobility makes such a mess! I try to at least keep the livingroom straighted up so that I have somewhere to rest my eyes that isn't in chaos. I gave up on the bedroom months ago - my eyes are closed when I'm in there anyway. And it's not as if I have visitors, eh? In fact, that has become part of the problem.
The visitors that I crave as much as silence are the helpers. You know, the ones who come in on a regular basis and help me manage my disability? Oh wait. Yeah, about that...
I'm just one person, you know? One little person in the nearly infinite sea of persons who need help somehow. And my 'somehow' looks pretty insignificant compaired to the floods in Australia and the earthquake in Haiti. Reality check? Yes, and no.
If I knew that the people who could help me take care of myself and my home were giving their money or their time to help those in such horrible need, I would never begrudge them the time they don't have for me. But they're not. That doesn't make them bad; in fact, I'm sure that everyone I know does something nice to help someone else every day. When it's convenient. When it's comfortable. Or when it's tax deductable. I am none of those things.
Quite the opposite in fact - I am uncomfortable twenty-four hours a day and it's damned inconvenient to be in too much pain to take care of things I used to take for granted! And I'm certainly no-one's tax deduction! No, instead I am alone alone alone for days at a time, and if I writhe in pain and the mess it makes, who's to know? If "a word, to the wise, is sufficient", then I must be looking out to a horizon of utter fools.
So I need to make some noise, get some things done... the silence of fools is more than enough silence for today.